Engaging Questions

Asking good questions can vastly improve our success at work and relationships with people. Good questions engage people, make them feel valued, build trust, cement relationships and foster joint ownership of decisions.

Although we recognize that we need to get things done through people to be successful, we limit our chances of success by telling or selling our ideas to them, thus not fully tapping into their potential.

When we want information, we ask questions. To influence people, we limit ourselves to making statements to tell or sell them our ideas. Statements are limited, however, because people only half listen and, as a result, forget readily. They feel uninvolved and uninterested as a result. We make it worse by giving them more detail – a waste of time if they have tuned out. Or worse, we come across as condescending, acting as if they need a lot of detail to get the message.

Because nobody likes to be told what to do, statements work best when we're asked for information or advice. But when we want to influence people, statements are not the best approach. Questions are more effective when they encourage people to come to their own conclusions, hopefully ones that you want them to arrive at.

There are basically two kinds of questions: (1) those that ask for information i.e. "What happened?" and (2) those that ask people to share their views, feelings or ideas i.e. "What do you think?"

Uses for Questions

Solving problems
Engaging people
Influencing tactics
Showing empathy
Motivating people
Confronting
Satisfying clients

1. Solving Problems

Both kinds of questions, analytical and engaging, can be used to solve problems. We limit ourselves by asking analytical questions exclusively and risk disengaging people.

Liking to be self-sufficient and do our own thinking, we like to ask people analytical questions to get the facts we need to make our own decisions. This is pretty selfish when you think about it because we're treating people like databases, not respecting or valuing them as valuable sources of potential solutions.

By contrast, asking people what they think, creates a partnership and shows that you value them as equal partners or collaborators, not just as a source of information. This approach has great potential to generate better solutions.

We generally aren't aware of the biases and limitations of our own perspective. We're good at rationalizing our ability to make objective decisions, a defense mechanism we all draw upon. It's also well known that we tend to form opinions quickly; we then gather information to justify our initial hunch. Thus we limit our analytical questions to seeking support for our preconceived views, not a formula for making very objective decisions.

A mixture of the two kinds of questions can be powerful. Consider these examples;

What exactly happened?
When did you first notice it?
Who else saw this?
What do you think caused it?
What do you see as a solution?
What are the pros and cons of your idea?

The first three questions ask for information but the last three ask for the other person's ideas or views. The point is to recognize the difference between the two kinds of questions and to consciously shift back and forth between them so that enough information is uncovered while, at the same time, others feel like you are involving them in generating a solution. You are not just using them to generate your own conclusions.

Engaging people in solving problems has a greater chance of leading to an objective decision than any one person might do alone.

2. Engaging People

A lot is written about employee engagement. Unfortunately, there is little difference between what is generally talked about under this heading and what we used to call employee motivation. In both cases we want to motivate employees to do their jobs as sole contributors.

But this approach does not foster teamwork, collaboration, partnership or shared ownership of plans. A deeper level of engagement can result when we involve people in our decisions, strategies and plans. Fostering shared ownership can create greater commitment to our objectives. When people have a say in our plans, they are more likely to work toward achieving them.

The most engaging questions are variations on "What do you think?" You might ask:

What do you see as the main issue here?
What do you think might be some options for dealing with it?
What are the pros and cons of your preferred option?
What obstacles to you see in the way of implementing your suggestion?
How would you suggest we deal with those obstacles?

To fully engage people, it's also essential to avoid shooting the messenger. If you argue with every suggestion people make or ridicule their ideas, you will shut them up.

If you disagree with the ideas others offer you, start by thanking them for having the courage to speak up. State what you like about their suggestion and then ask more questions, such as: "I like A, B and C about your idea but what might be the risks of doing D and E?"

Tone of voice and body language are also important. You must appear to be supportive and encouraging, not skeptical if you want people to open up.

3. Influencing Tactics

A classic psychological experiment focused on negative attitudes toward the police. One group with such attitudes was asked to write essays on all the benefits police bring to society. When attitudes were surveyed a second time, this group changed their opinions the most. The moral of the story is that it is easier to influence people by getting them to state advantages in their own words than it is by trying to promote our own views.

Normally, being self-sufficient, we present arguments to people to convince them of the benefits of our proposals. We may vary our style by emphasizing different features for different audiences, by trying to be inspiring, by varying the medium or by repeating the message as often as we can.

The option is to ask questions such as:

If you adopted this proposal in your department, what would be the benefits?
How could you make this idea work for you?
What would you advise to get this change accepted?
You have come up with some excellent objections, but can you think of some ways we can overcome them?
In your experience, what would be the best way of gaining support for this idea?

Subtle flattery helps. Phrases like "what would you advise," "excellent objections" and "in your experience" asked in a respectful tone can make resistant people feel valued.

Often people resist change precisely because they were not consulted and thus feel devalued. Their resistance is a way of asserting their importance. Arguing with them in a dismissive manner makes matters worse by conveying the impression that you see their views as unimportant.

Influence by Focusing on the Other Person's Needs

We often try to influence people by stating our needs. For example, suppose your boss asks you to take on a project that you don't have the time to do. Instead of telling your boss all your reasons why you can't do this job, try asking questions like: "What is the priority on this job in comparison with everything else I'm doing?"

The idea is to involve your boss in deciding how best to allocate your time and energy while conveying the impression that your boss is your number one internal customer. Make it clear that, following the 80/20 rule, you need to focus on the 20% of priorities that will yield the highest return for your boss.

You can also ask questions about the flexibility of timing for each of your priorities, what other options there might be for getting some of your priorities done or what support might be available.

This is engaging because you're involving your boss in deciding how you should best use your time in order to meet his or her needs. The key is to focus on your boss's needs, not your own. This is just being customer-focused.

4. Showing Empathy

Managers are often criticized for failing to notice that someone is upset. This is not an easy skill to develop, but empathy questions are a reasonable substitute, such as:

You don't seem very happy; would you like to talk about it?
What are your feelings about this – plus and minus?
What would be the best way forward for you now?
What light do you see at the end of the tunnel?
What do you think you can do to feel better about this situation?
How might this be an opportunity for you?
What useful things have you learned from this setback?
What form of support from us would be most helpful for you?

Asking people how they feel on both sides of an issue, positive and negative, can help them from focusing too much on the downside of a situation. If you just ask how people are feeling, they might give you a bland answer: "OK."

You might also say: "I can understand how you feel?" Then ask other empathy questions, such as:

What would you like me to do differently in future?
How do you think we might have handled this better?
How can we change this in a way that you would find more acceptable?
What can you or I do to help you feel differently about this?

These questions are meant to be examples only. There are hundreds of variations on the theme. The point is to compensate for not noticing when people are upset by regularly asking questions that encourage people to open up about their feelings. Avoid closed questions, those that can be answered with "yes" or "no".

5. Motivating People

Questions can also be used to motivate people, such as:

What would achieving this goal do for your career?
How can you develop yourself to be ready for promotion?
What steps can you take to be more effective in those situations?
How else can you make full use of your talent and experience?

Again, these are merely sample questions. The key is to involve people in deciding what to do, to draw solutions out of them instead of trying to sell them your solutions.

6, Confronting People

Normally we confront people by making strong statements. This can backfire if the other person becomes even angrier. Suppose someone is behaving in a bullying manner. Before asking engaging questions, make some empathy statements like: "You seem pretty determined to achieve this; it must be important to you."

Then ask questions such as:

You've taken a strong stand on this issue, I can see your point but what negative implications of your approach do you see and how can you mitigate any potential damage or risks?
What kind of approach might have had a more positive impact do you think?
How can you avoid undermining your own main priorities with the line you are taking?
What steps can you take to ensure that you maintain good relations with important others?
How do you think the other person feels about your actions?
How can you influence people by focusing on their needs?

Naturally, the angry person will blame whatever is the cause of his or her anger. Try to deflect this by making an empathy statement and asking: What could you have done differently?

The point is to enlist the person's help in deciding the best way forward instead of using a telling or selling approach and putting the person down. Confrontational questions should be asked in a supportive, empathetic manner. Even though you're not shouting, you're still confronting the issue with pertinent questions; you're not avoiding it.

7. Satisfying Clients

Clients or other stakeholders may complain about what you're proposing or already doing. This is where the other most engaging question comes in, other than "What do you think?" This question is "What do you want?" Asking an annoyed client these questions helps them to see that you want to listen to them to understand their needs. Here are some examples of these questions:

What would you prefer to see happen?
What would you like us to do differently?
How can we work together to make this more in line with your priorities?
What are your top priorities at the moment?
How can you help us better meet your needs?

When people are angry about anything, it's human nature to see only the negatives. In these situations it can help to say something like: "You have listed some serious concerns and we need to address each one in turn to ensure we are meeting your needs. First, however, let's be sure we agree on the benefits or advantages of our work for you." Get them to list as many benefits as possible, then ask "Any others?" If they can't think of any others, resist the temptation to tell them. Stick to "What do you want?" questions of the form "What about feature A, how much of a benefit is that for you?" This helps the client develop a more balanced view of the positives and negatives of your work before you turn to addressing their concerns.

Conclusion

Engaging questions can shift our identity from that of answer-giver, solution-generator and individual contributor to that of facilitator, catalyst and coach. Arguably, we will achieve more by working more effectively with and through people in this way than by trying to promote our own ideas exclusively.

Further, it is easier to base our confidence on the ability to ask engaging questions than it is on knowing the answers, given that the world is too fast changing and complex for any one person to know very much anyway.

Unless you are a lone inventor, artist or writer, you need to work effectively with and through people to be successful. Asking engaging questions fosters more collaboration and commitment from others than the usual approach of trying to convince them of your opinions. Try it. You might be more successful.